这是一篇不需要任何配图，也极有画面感的怨文。

By Lisa Hogan, Jeremy Clarkson’s Girlfriend

作者：丽萨·霍根，杰里米·克拉克森的女友

I have played it all wrong from the start, this lockdown with Clarkson on the farm. In the early days, hearing Jeremy shout, "I have just had a genius idea!", my ears would prick up. I would listen, in full meerkat alert pose, as he explained, for example, how we could reroute a dribble of a stream into a pond. Then, day after day, we would trundle to the dam, and Jeremy would bellow instructions while I lugged wheelbarrows full of clay over a series of old doors that served as a makeshift bridge.

和大猩猩一起在农场里度过封锁期这件事，我从一开始就想错了。在封锁前期，一听到杰里米大喊：“我有一个天才的想法!” 我就会像警戒的狐獴一样，竖起耳朵，全神贯注地听他说自己的想法，比如解释如何把小溪的水引到池塘里。接着我们就开始日复一日地推着车去水坝。杰里米只会在边上大声发号施令，而我则要推着装满粘土的独轮手推车走过用一排旧门做成的临时桥梁。

"Get your act together, Elastigirl," Jeremy boomed as the door with the wheelbarrow on began sliding away from the door with my feet on. The last thing I saw was the exasperation on his face as I fell into the freezing water.

“弹力女超人，搞快点！”杰里米大声说，接着我脚下的旧门和手推车底下的门开始分崩离析。然而我在掉到冰冷的水里之前，看到的却是杰里米愤怒的脸。

Jeremy's energy has always been extraordinary. He whizzes between his seven jobs (or is it 11 now?), flicking a two-fingered salute at the fact he had his 60th birthday a few weeks ago. I am a decade younger, athletic and have always been a willing partner in his creative ideas on the farm. But now I'd like to check into Slothdom, please. I can't keep up. Can't I be furloughed?

杰里米的精力一直很旺盛。几周前他才过了60岁生日，还能在7份工作之间自由转换（可能现在已经是11份了？）就像是用手比着“V”字，对年龄问题一笑而过。我比他年轻10岁，体格也不错，在农场里也很愿意与他合作实现他的创意。但我现在已经跟不上他了，我只想过过佛系生活。我就不能休假几天么？

Take the saga with our old Aga. Not long after confinement began, beastly easterly winds blew down its vent and from then on its cooking temperature would barely rise above tepid. After eating dinner post-midnight a few nights in a row, Jeremy had a brilliant idea. "Why don't you fix the Aga? All you have to do is disassemble the cupboard under the sink, unscrew the engine and see whether any soot's stuck."

来听听我们家雅家炉的故事吧。隔离开始后不久，猛烈的东风就把它的通风口吹掉了，之后它的烹饪温度就温温吞吞的。连续几个晚上我们都是午夜过后才吃上晚饭。于是杰里米有了一个绝妙的主意。“你为什么不修一下雅家炉呢？只要把洗涤槽下面的碗柜拆开，再拆开风机看看有没有烟尘卡在里面就行了。”

I did not want to do this.

我才不想干这种活儿呢。

We have a farmhand who normally deals with this kind of thing, but he's not allowed in the house now. The cupboard under the sink is scary, and if it turns out it's not soot that's the problem, Jeremy will come up with many other excellent suggestions that could well singe what's left of my grizzled hands, or blow me up. So I refused to fix the Aga.

我们农场有一个帮工，一般都是他负责处理这些事情，但是他现在（由于疫情）来不了我们家。洗涤槽下面的碗柜很吓人，而且如果不是烟尘的问题，杰里米肯定会提出许多其他“绝妙”的建议，最后没准儿能把我沾满灰的手烤焦，或者干脆直接把人炸飞。所以我拒绝了修雅家炉的差事。

On Sunday, I put lunch in the oven at 9.30am. It wasn't ready until 4pm. Ha, that will teach him, I told myself as he sat on the terrace, reading in the sun with a glass of rosé.

星期天早上，我九点半就把午饭放到烤箱里加热了，结果一直到下午四点半才热好。我心想：“哈，这肯定能给他个教训。”只见他坐在阳台上，悠闲地拿着一杯玫瑰红葡萄酒，在阳光下读书。

With us on the farm is Ali, my 18-year-old daughter, who has been my little helper: my sous-chef in the kitchen, on constant dishwasher duty and in charge of the chickens. I've only found one dead and only occasionally discovered them still sweltering in their coops at 9am when Ali's slept through her sunrise alarm. Out of pity, we decided she could have a friend to stay and work on the farm and help with the ever-growing list of "brilliant ideas" Jeremy sets as tasks. But we would have to apply some strict self-isolation rules: Ali and her friend would stay away from me and Jeremy for two full weeks.

我18岁的女儿阿里，和我们一起在农场生活。她一直是我的小帮手：作为“副厨师长”，她负责日常的洗碗工作，还负责养鸡。她工作期间，我只发现有一只鸡被养死了。但偶尔她也会有错过闹钟的时候，导致过了早上九点，鸡还在笼子里被热到中暑。出于同情，我们决定让她找一个朋友留下来帮忙一起处理杰里米日益变长的“绝妙主意”清单。尽管如此，我们仍须遵守自我隔离的规定，让阿里和她的小伙伴远离我和杰里米，单独隔离两周。

Initially, I suggested they stick to the older, separate part of our cottage, but Jeremy thought this was just a cunning plan for me to get out of being his laundry bitch, since the washing machine is in that part of the house. I was annoyed that this ploy hadn't crossed my mind.

一开始，我建议她们在房子中比较老旧的，相对独立的一块区域隔离，但杰里米认为这只是我耍的一个花招，好让我不用当他的洗衣妇，因为洗衣机就在老旧区域那边。我很恼火，因为我竟然没想到这一点。

There may have been alcohol involved when, instead, we decided to buy an isolation mobile home for Ali. When it arrived, I thought, "Holy Moly! How drunk could we have been?" The horror is two-tone green, with green carpet and green sofas. It's an eyesore with conjunctivitis.

我们最后决定给阿里买一套可移动隔离屋，当然，可能是我们酒喝多了做的决定。隔离屋送达时，我想：“我滴亲娘欸，我们当时喝了多少啊！”这恐怖的小屋有两种色调的绿色，还有绿色的地毯和绿色的沙发，绿得辣眼睛。

The girls could in theory come back into the cottage now, but they've found the barn where the booze is stored and refuse to do so. I'm allowed to visit if I need to use their oven.

理论上，女孩儿们现在已经可以回来了，但她们找到了存酒的谷仓，所以拒绝回来和我们待在一起。不过在我要借用烤箱时，还可以去找她们。

Jeremy had been filming a new farming series for Amazon. But the crew that used to pile into the house are gone, along with the delicious film-set catering. So now it's me filming wobbly scenes on a little video camera. Jeremy gets in position, says his bit, shouts "Cut!", then pff, he's gone. Half the time I haven't got round to turning the camera on.

杰里米之前一直在为亚马逊拍摄一个农业节目。但是现在摄制组撤走了，之前挤满房子的工作人员现在都不见了，于是美味的盒饭也不见了。现在只有我在用小摄像机拍摄一些画面不断抖动的素材：杰里米就位，说完他的台词，大喊“Cut！”，然后径直离开。然而有一半的时间里我都没来得及打开摄像机。

Around week four, I hit a slump. The Groundhog Day routine has got to me. So the next evening, at dusk, Jeremy leads me deep into a wood. We climb up onto a wobbly plank high in a tree opposite a badger hide. Our badger watching plan doesn't get far because we chat too much. Jeremy loves nothing more than to tell an interesting story he's read or heard, then I tell him something that he doesn't find interesting at all, but we natter on our perch until it's dark.

在第四周左右，我陷入了低谷。像《土拨鼠之日》一样每日重复的劳动让我心烦意乱。于是，第二天黄昏的时候，杰里米领着我深入一片树林。我们爬上树，落脚在一块摇摇晃晃的木板上，我们的对面就是一个獾窝。但我们一直在聊天，声音太大，所以并没有如愿看到獾。杰里米最喜欢跟我讲他读到或听到的有趣故事，而我会跟他讲一些他根本不感兴趣的事情。尽管如此，我们还是在栖木上闲聊到了天黑。

Back at the house, he lights the fire in the party barn, puts on the disco lights and plays me his favourite vinyls from the 1970s. I dance my heart out. Even though he thought it would be funny to put my daggy dancing on Instagram, I'm back in high spirits the next day.

回到家，他点燃了派对谷仓里的火，打开了迪斯科灯，给我放了他最喜欢的70年代唱片。尽管他觉得把我凌乱的舞姿发到Instagram上很好玩，我还是跳得很尽兴。第二天，我就恢复了元气。

I've been sleeping well, but Jeremy less so. Waking after the deepest sleep, I found him awake, bleary-eyed and shattered. To make up for it, I cut his hair, which grows outwards. At one point I heard it brushing the door frames as he walked through the cottage. Using clippers, I've done quite a good job.

我晚上一直睡得很好，但杰里米的睡眠质量一般。整晚酣睡过后，我发现他醒着，睡眼惺忪，精疲力尽。为了给他糟糕的状态做些补偿，我帮他修剪了向外炸开的头发，我记得之前还听到过他走路时头发刮到门框顶上的声音。我觉得只用剪刀，剪出来的成果已经很不错了。

Now he wants to return the favour. I'm about to fire up my home waxing kit (let me point out, this is for me), when he offers to assist me with the parts I can't reach. I look warily at his enormous hands. "Can't you fix the Aga instead?" I ask, but he's adamant.

现在他想还我这个人情。我正准备要用家用脱毛蜡套装的时候（我想指出，这是给我用的），他提出帮我搞定我够不到的部位。我警惕地看了看他那双大手，问他：“你就不能干点别的，去把雅家炉修好吗？”但是他并不听劝。

Who would have thought it? As it turns out, we've both acquired new skills during the lockdown.

结果证明我们在封锁期间都点亮了新技能。这谁能想到呢？

翻译 / _SAMWANG（@_SAMWANG）校对 / 不如机翻（@不如机翻）

本文章翻译版权属于我自己的工作间，谢绝转载。